


Okay

by elsapel323



Series: Safe [3]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: I love pancakes and the Jensens do to, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mention of Pancakes, Oh and Clay's a dumbass for a second but it's all good, Sick Justin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 11:19:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15338733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elsapel323/pseuds/elsapel323
Summary: Justin is ill.Lainie comforts Justin in this one.Warnings are in the tags.





	Okay

Justin was ill. His head pounded, his throat was like sandpaper, his body ached, he was shivering but it felt like he was on fire. Justin, for a moment, was convinced he was back on Clay’s sofa after Clay had brought him back to his house to try and help him get clean. His alarm went off bringing him out of his thoughts as he remembered that he was in HIS bed in HIS room because the Jensen’s, for reasons he still didn’t completely understand, had adopted him. He groaned and reached for his bedside table, trying desperately to find his phone and turn the ringing off. The noise worsened his headache but he didn’t care, he had gone to school with a fever before and no one had noticed. Well apart from Zach who, after listening to Justin’s constant pleading of ‘it’s better here than at home’, made him promise to tell someone the next time he was ill. Justin had, begrudgingly, agreed before making a promise to himself. He had ignored Zach, who the hell would willingly help someone who’s ill? Who could be bothered to give him medicine or check his temperature? Certainly not Bryce who much to Justin’s dismay, had made it pretty clear that he didn’t want him over when he was ill, he couldn’t be bothered with him. Justin had accepted his conditions, at least he’d had a safe place to stay when he wasn’t sick. 

Just because he was in a different home with caring parents and a slightly annoying protective brother [if he could call Lainie and Matt his parents yet, or Clay his brother] didn’t mean that he would be let off, just because he was ill. He didn’t know what they were like, would they shout at him? Or… hit him? That’s what he was used to, what he expected. But Clay had told him that they didn’t hit and Lainie and Matt had supported him throughout his drug withdrawal, hadn’t they? So, Justin hoped they would be okay with him being ill. They might even let him take a day off, if he was lucky. But he couldn’t chance it, couldn’t take the risk.

With a sigh, Justin dragged himself out of bed, ignoring the sharp pain in his head and stifling a cough. He took a couple of shaky steps towards his bedroom door before he started swaying. He took a deep breath and steadied himself against the wall.  
He wouldn’t faint.  
He couldn’t faint.  
He couldn’t cause trouble for anyone.

Not after what happened last time.

He carried on, despite his body pleading for him to go back to bed and grabbed his dressing gown [which he’d flung on to the floor last night] pulling it carefully over his aching body. Justin opened the door and shuffled out the room, clearing his throat in a hope that he didn’t cough in front of everyone and reveal he was ill.

Justin stood at the top of the stairs, shaking and swaying, he felt like he was floating, head stuffed with cotton wool. He took a slow experimental step downwards, his stomach dropped. He stopped and closed his eyes counting to 10 in his head to calm himself, a technique he’d picked up when he was young to stop himself from crying when someone hurt him or shouted at him.

Justin opened his eyes and made his way down the rest of the stairs; his headache was almost unbearable now. He could hear Lainie and Matt talking, Clay laughing, the clink of the cutlery, a warm, comforting smell wafted out of the kitchen. Pancakes! If Justin didn’t feel like he was going puck up his guts he would be delighted, The Jensen’s pancakes were something of a legend. Okay, maybe he was over-exaggerating but they were fucking delicious. 

Justin took a deep breath and swallowed hard. He walked into the kitchen wincing at the bright lights. Lainie looked at him.

“Late!” Clay yelled, looking up from his plate.  
“Hi Justin, pancakes?” Lainie offered moving to give him a plate while shooting a stern look at Clay.  
“Um” his voice was almost non-existent. He cleared his throat again. “I- “Justin coughed, his vision blurred again, his eyes stung.

“You okay Justin?” Matt asked turning to the sink and filling up a glass with water.  
Fuck.  
Justin nodded looking around the kitchen. They were all staring at him worried. Great, just what he needed, people asking him if he was okay, ready to comfort him if they were allowed. Justin still had to get used to this… sympathy and pity that seemed to be dished out almost daily at the Jensen household. He wasn’t entirely convinced that he ever would.

“No, I mean yes, I- “.  
Shit, he was 99% sure that he was about to faint. He stumbled to a chair and sat down, fully aware that they were still watching him.

“Justin” Lainie took a step forward, her hand reaching out to touch his forehead, to check his temperature.

He flinched, his chair scrapped along the floor as he backed away.  
Then he realised what he’d done. Oh God.  
Crap, shit, fuckity fuck. He’d flinched. Accidently. But he’d still flinched. 

Lainie withdrew her hand as if Justin had burnt her. Justin looked down, clasping his hands together then unclasping them. A nervous habit he’d picked up.  
“No, sorry, shit, I me-ean, I-I did-dn’t mean to…” he couldn’t finish the sentence.  
Matt came over to the table offering him the glass of water. Justin took it, peering up at him through half closed eyes, gratefully. He took a small sip sighing as the cool water rushed down his throat; calming it for a second.

“Justin, if you’re ill it’s, it’s… okay” Matt said, his brow furrowed trying to make eye contact, trying to reassure him that it was, in fact, okay.

“I’M FINE” Justin screamed tears pricking the corner of his eyes as he tried to push himself off his chair.

He got up, feeling the cold tiles against his feet. Justin looked around frantically, his throat tightened.  
He was ill.  
It was fine.  
No, it wasn’t.  
It was fine.  
No, it wasn’t.  
It was- no- was ill- he couldn’t, he couldn’t.

He couldn’t breathe.

All of a sudden, his legs gave way sending him crashing to the floor. Justin landed on his side, wincing as a hot sharp pain shot up his right arm. 

Lainie and Matt rushed to him, Matt shouting for Clay to get some aspirin for his headache, a thermometer and a blanket. He heard Clay’s heavy footsteps making their way up the stairs as he was helped up off the floor and on to a chair. Lainie and Matt were acting like he was about to break at any second, like he was one of those stupid china dolls that used to scare the shit out of him when he was younger.

“Justin you’re ill” Lainie said firmly “you are going to go to bed, I am going to phone the school. You won’t be in today, okay?”.  
He ran a hand through his hair, ignoring her.  
Clay came back with the pills, silently handing them to Justin with a small smile before giving his mum the thermometer and, after a couple of seconds, awkwardly draped the blanket over Justin’s shoulders. Justin took two of the pills in his hand. He looked up. Everyone was still staring. Lainie nodded her head as if to say ‘go on’. He shoved them in his mouth and took a gulp of water. His arm was still throbbing with pain. All he wanted to do was go back to his nice warm bed. But, a voice in the back of his mind wouldn’t let him, couldn’t let him. 

“Right” he said going to stand up again, “I’m absolutely fin- “he broke into an uncontrollable coughing fit, sitting back down again and covered his mouth with his hand.

 

“You are the opposite of fine bro” Clay said, stating the obvious, leaning on the kitchen table and crossing his arms.

“No, I can go to school, just… give me a second to… get ready” Justin insisted chewing his nails nervously. 

“You, young man, are going to bed right his god damn second, why are you so adamant to go to school?” Matt questioned.

Justin shook his head.  
No.  
They weren’t getting into that now. Not while he was sick. It might not have been fair, to not tell them why he wanted to go to school so badly. Especially since he knew he was safe, it wasn’t like before. He was being, to quote what he’d said to Clay once, ‘a dumbass’. But, at this moment in time, he couldn’t give less of a shit.  
“Um, guys, sorry to be a dick but, am I going to school? I mean” Clay paused, his dad crossed his arms and gave him a death stare. He carried on regardless. “I could, er, look after him or some shit, you know, while you two…” he trailed off.

Justin let out a half cough, half laugh despite himself. Clay was still a dumbass sometimes, no offence to him and all that.

“Language, and no, thanks for the offer Clay but we can handle it” Lainie said sharply, “now go to school, Justin will be fine”.

Clay sighed, muttering curse words under his breath. He took another look at Justin, nodded at him, drained the last of his juice, grabbed a pancake and his bag and stomped out the front door.  
Justin broke into another coughing fit. He could feel sweat dripping down his back, he was hot; way too hot.  
He went to take his dressing gown off, figuring that it was probably fine considering he was wearing a t- shirt and boxers underneath. That was okay. Right?  
Lainie opened her mouth, about to speak, waving the thermometer around. Justin paused for a second then shrugged to dressing gown off, folding slightly and placing it on his lap.  
All of a sudden Clay came bursting through the door red-faced and sweaty.  
“Shit, sorry guys” he said, his eyes searching frantically around the room.  
“It’s in your bedroom” Matt raised an eyebrow at Clay, a smile stretching across his face.  
Clay nodded then raced up the stairs. He gave a shout, irritating Justin’s headache, causing him to wince, and came bounding back down his phone clutched tightly in his hand.

“Bye guys!” he yelled and ran out the door.

Lainie and Matt both stood up.  
Lainie spoke.  
“Right, you are going back to bed, I am going to phone into see if I can get the day off and you,” she turned her head and looked at Matt, “are going to phone the school”.  
Justin, deciding there was no point in dragging on the protest any longer, got up, with Lainie’s help and, together, walked back to Justin’s bed. Justin hesitantly lowered himself on the bed, unsure of what to do. No one had ever looked after him like this before Clay had found him homeless in the street. Not even his own mother had given a shit if he was ill. When she was with a guy, which was basically always, anyway. He could’ve dropped dead for all she cared. Tears welled up in the corner of his eyes again. He furiously wiped them away.

He wouldn’t cry for his ‘mummy’ like a little kid who’d fallen over and scraped his knees. 

Not in front of Lainie.

“Justin, sweetie, what’s wrong?” Lainie asked running aa hand through his messy hair.

Well he obviously couldn’t hide his feelings could he, for God’s sake.

“Nothin’” he mumbled as he fiddled with the corner of his duvet.  
Lainie sighed. Justin hoped that she would just leave it be and let him sleep or some shit. He still felt like his head was about to explode, that aspirin he’d swallowed to ease his headache was yet to work.  
She didn’t leave it.  
Lainie sat down next to Justin, her arm wrapped around his shoulders, he flinched, his body was still aching, she hurriedly withdrew her hand, the other placing the thermometer into his mouth. They sat in silence for a second, waiting for it to work. Lainie, after what seemed like a couple of hours to Justin, pulled the thermometer out, checking the temperature with a slight frown. She put the thermometer down by her side before looking Justin up and down

“Your temperature is at 103F” she said.

Okay, maybe he was ever so slightly ill.

“You’ve got a fever, you keep falling over, feeling dizzy and you have a sore throat, Justin you are ill for the last time”.

Oh, he’d said his thoughts out loud, without realizing what he was actually doing. This wasn’t so good then. He didn’t want to let too many secrets out, just because he was feeling like a pile of crap. 

He slowly, carefully, pulled back the covers of his bed, trying not to go to fast, his body was still way too sensitive to touch, and climbed into bed. Lainie ran to grab a washcloth from the bathroom, soaked it with cold water and placed against his burning forehead. Justin let out a small sigh. It felt so nice against his skin. He made a promise to himself that, when he improved, he would be thankful for his health. For about a day at least. Lainie took the washcloth away from his forehead and frowned at him. She sat on the chair across from his bed and crossed her legs. It looked like she waiting for Justin to say something. Something that wasn’t going to be said. He knew Lainie wasn’t going to let the mater go, no matter what he did. It wasn’t like when Matt had come into what was then the guest bedroom, with a baseball bat, ready to defend himself and his family from a burglar before realizing it wasn’t a home invasion. Justin had freaked out. Justin been thinking too much, about what happened to Hannah and Jessica and Alex, his head had felt like it was going to explode and he’d flipped out. Clay had been the one to comfort him, Clay hadn’t made him explain, he’d just made himself a bed on the floor. That had helped, just knowing someone was there, knowing someone, in a weird way, understood that he didn’t want to talk sometimes, he just wanted quiet and calm.

Lainie wanted him to tell her about his home-life, before the Jensen’s, before he ran away and ended up on the streets. That was a deep, dark hole he did not want to venture down. He’d rather listen to Clay ramble on about his crush on… well Justin didn’t know, he’d never really listened, only made a promise to help him get with someone. Oh, and to get laid.  
Justin snapped out of his thoughts as Lainie, finally accepting his silence, pressed the cloth back against his forehead, making him sigh for the second time. It really was quite nice. 

“Justin,” Lainie said softly, “why did you want to go to school so badly?”.

Nononononononono.  
He needed a good excuse. One that made sense and stopped her or Matt or even Clay from asking again. Justin knew they had an idea of what went on before they adopted him. It must’ve been written in his file, the hospital visit, the time where some neighbours had called the cops, not once but three times. His mom was the only reason he’d stayed in that hell-hole. As much as he wanted to hate her, he couldn’t, she was his mom. He’d took the hits from her boyfriend’s so she didn’t have to.

He opened his mouth ready to blurt out some stupid, obviously untrue excuse but Lainie interrupted him.

“Please, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me the truth”.

Justin shook his head frantically. No.  
He could feel tears slowly starting to well up in his eyes. He pushed himself up ignoring his aching head. He closed his eyes as he awkwardly forced himself into a half-lying-half-sitting position, refusing Lainie’s help as she tried to tuck a pillow underneath his back so it was less uncomfortable. He could feel the tears start to drip down his face. Justin felt something on his knee. He opened his eyes.  
A tissue.  
Justin looked at Lainie gratefully, taking the tissue and scrubbing furiously at his eyes. Truthfully though he’s embarrassed. Justin despised crying in front of anyone, whether he knew them or not didn’t matter, it wasn’t the point. Crying was a weakness. Something he did behind closed doors, preferably in his bedroom. Where no one could see him.

“I can’t tell you, I… I don’t know how to” he stuttered, this was getting out of hand now, he wanted her to go.

As if she could read her mind, Lainie got up from her seat, sighing defeatedly.

“I’ll be back in 5 Justin” she said.

Justin waited a second listening to her high heels walking away before he lay back down in his bed, yanking the covers back over his body. He could hear her talking on the phone. But he could only pick up snippets of Lainie’s conversation.

“Yes... yes… no- no he won’t be in tod- uh huh… no… okay thanks” she hung up.  
Justin closed his eyes as Lainie came back into his room.

“Justin,” she said softly “Justin I know you’re awake”. 

Ah. Justin, eyes still closed, sat back up.

He peered at Lainie then, forgetting that he’d injured his arm when he fell, went to push his hair out of his eyes. Justin winced grabbing his hurt wrist. He looked away.

He could feel Lainie’s eyes burning into the back of his skull.

“It’s fine, it’s not broken, just um… bruised, I think” he added so that Lainie wasn’t too concerned about how he knew that information, he’d had enough bruises for a lifetime. He knew it wasn’t broken or sprained.

Lainie looked worried for a second but composed herself, placing her hand gently on his shoulder.

“You okay?” she asked.

He smiled at her, a fake smile.

“No” he thought.

“I know you’re lying,” she said, rolling her eyes, “your ill and you’re not okay, are you?”.

It sounded like a question but Justin knew it wasn’t. 

“No, I swear, I’m fine, look, I… I don’t know why you’re so worried” Justin tried to laugh. He failed.

He didn’t like this. Justin didn’t want to tell Lainie anything.

Lainie looked sadly at him. “Listen Justin, I know you want me to let this go but I won’t, I can’t, you’ve had a hard life Justin I know that but maybe if you tell someone what happened or how you’re feeling once in a while, you’ll be… well I can’t promise that you’ll be okay Justin but things might start to seem better or improve”

“This isn’t a movie” Justin thought “I’m not about to tell you about my life just because you made some big fucking motivational speech”.

But, something, a voice, in the back of his mind wanted to tell her, to get it out the way so she’d stop pestering. Maybe Lainie could help him or something. He didn’t know how these things worked.

“If I tell you,” he paused, “will you, will you promise not to say anything?”. 

Well he had to start somewhere.

Lainie’s brow furrowed, she looked conflicted.

Justin hurriedly carried on, “to Clay I mean, or like, Matt or the school or something, I don’t know”.

“I promise you Justin, I would never tell, unless you’re in danger to yourself or others” Lainie vowed.

She was starting to sound like a therapist now, or, maybe, this is what mothers did. Not that he would know about having a caring mother. He knew that, now Lainie had made her promise, he should start to say something, anything but… he didn’t know how to start, he’d never told the story to anyone. 

“The, um, the,” he cleared his throat, “the last time I was… ill my moms boyfriend, he…” he trailed off, it was too much, he couldn’t do this.

“Take your time,” Lainie stroked his hair, “we’ve got all the time in the world”. 

He took a deep breath.  
He was okay.  
He could do this.  
He was fine.  
“When I was ill, it must’ve been like, 3 years ago, I was like 14, my mum was going out with this guy, before Seth. I think he was called Larry or Lenny, Larry I think,” he looked at Lainie, “that’s not important, sorry. Anyway, I was ill and I think I had a fever or some shi… something and, I came downstairs to get some Aspirin and he stopped me on the stairs. He was angry, that’s the thing I remember most, he was pissed off at something, I-I don’t know why, or at what. He asked me what I was doing, my mom was out getting booze or cigarettes for him so she couldn’t try to interfere, not that she never did,” tears made there way down his face again, he didn’t bother wiping them away, “I didn’t answer, god it would’ve been much easier if I had, I tried to move past him, to shove him out the way” he let out a bitter laugh.

Justin turned his head to Lainie, her hand hadn’t left his shoulder, her eyes had filled with tears.

“Should I stop, I don’t want to, y’know, upset you” Justin said worriedly, he’d barely started, it was going to get a lot worse.

“No, no love, if you think you can tell me this, carry on, it doesn’t matter about me, as long as you’re fine” she replied dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

“Okay” he took another breath and continued.

“He grabbed my arm and twisted it, I fell over on the stairs and hit my head on a step. It was so sore, probably because I was ill, and he asked me again. This time I answered. I told him that I was ill and I had a headache” his hands clenched together, “he smiled at me. That’s when I got scared, that guy always smiled when he was about to hit me. He yanked my head up by my hair and slammed my head into the wall. I tried to get away but I felt so dizzy and so sick and I couldn’t breathe, I think I was having a panic attack. He didn’t stop though” he paused for a bit waiting for Lainie to say something.

She didn’t say anything only rubbed his shoulders and smiled sadly.

“I think I fainted then, for a second. He dragged me upstairs and shoved me onto the landing. I wanted to run but I couldn’t, he was standing in front of the stairs and I could barely keep my eyes open. He picked me up and slammed me into a wall again and again, until I blacked out, I must’ve hit my head at least 5 times. When I woke up I was still there alone, I couldn’t move, my head felt like I was about to explode and, when my mom eventually found me, he had left, completely. He’d packed his stuff and bolted, probably to ruin another family’s life. She was annoyed at me too, she blamed me. She wouldn’t talk to me for a week, until she found another guy a couple days later” Justin finished, he was shaking now, they were both crying.

Lainie took her hand of his shoulder. He panicked. Did she hate him? Was she regretting adopting such a fucked up human being? Was she going to tell anyone” Did she-.

“Justin calm down, you’re hyperventilating, it’s okay, you’re okay, nothing is going to happen to you” Lainie said holding out her arms to hug him.

He melted into the hug as Lainie tightened her hold whispering things like: it’ll be okay and no one will hurt you now, again and again until his erratic breathing fell into a steady beat.

“It was so long ago, it wasn’t even the worst thing that has happened to me but it hurt so much, it hurt so much, I just wanted to get an Aspirin, I just wanted to get better, I didn’t do anything wrong… did I? I should of answered him when he asked, I ignored him, I deserved it didn’t I?” Justin asked slightly worried that Lainie would suddenly start to blame him for what happened

She didn’t though.

“No sweetie, no, you didn’t deserve it, you did nothing wrong, it was his fault not yours, you didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t your fault” Lainie said quietly in case she scared him.

Justin didn’t know what to say. This was new territory.  
Did he agree with her?  
Not really.  
Should he pretend to agree with her so she didn’t become worried?  
Probably.

But he couldn’t, for some unknown reason, lie to her.

“I- are you sure?” he asked, not fully believing her.

“Certain, you did nothing wrong, that man was a dickhead” Lainie said firmly.

Justin smiled at that. He cleared his throat; his headache had faded ever so slightly.

“Didn’t know you swore” he smirked.

“Only if I need to” she replied matching his smile.

“No one has ever said it wasn’t my fault before, so… thanks”.

“You needed to hear it, even if you don’t believe it at the moment”.

She was right. He still didn’t believe that it wasn’t his fault. He should’ve answered Larry when he’d asked him the question. But she was also right again. He had needed to hear someone say it. At least he could take comfort in knowing that, even if he though he thought that he deserved it, Lainie didn’t. Justin lay back down in his bed and closed his eyes. He wasn’t okay, he knew that, but maybe just maybe, in the future, things were going to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi.
> 
> Not to happy with how this turned out, but oh well.
> 
> Someone suggested I do something with Clay and Bryce and I will, it should be up relatively soon. [Well in two weeks].
> 
> Leave feedback if you want and I'm glad you red this to the end.


End file.
